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anonymous

from one suicide attempter to another.
updated 06.19.03
06.19.03 - we receive an e-mail from an unknown submitter.
From one suicide attempter to another:
   Remember, you are not alone. You are not the first and you are not the last to attempt to take yourself out of this world. However, you are blessed in that you survived! One second, two seconds, who knows what could have happened. You have been given a second chance to be the magnificent person that you were born to be; the person God made you.

   I know exactly how you feel, then and now. Then you felt as though the world did not need you, that the world did not want you, that the best way to take yourself away from the pain of the situation you were about to face or that you were facing was to leave permanently. The walls were closing in and there was no way out. You could not run to anyone for help for fear that they would find out how you really felt or what was really bothering you! The thought of taking the situation away from you or you away from the situation was more appealing than the pain and fear and failure that would eventually occur. Then this brilliant idea permeated from your inner conscious, "if I leave this world everything would all be better". Am I close?

   This is exactly how I felt exactly one year ago. Nothing I did was good enough. I was not meeting expectations the same as I was a month ago. I was failing. The funny thing was that the only person that thought I was failing was myself! It happened slowly. Then I did it; I took a handful of pills. I think I thought that I was invincible and that nothing would happen to me except the situation would go away; that if I did fail I would have something to blame it on. Well, I was way off! You have been given a second chance. That day, I was given a third chance.

   God sent me into this world for a purpose. I could have easily left this world twice now. Like a cat, I have lives to spare. I was adopted, yet I could have easily been aborted. I was taken to the hospital and forced to drink charcoal, yet I could have easily been dead on arrival. Twice I was spared, twice I was blessed and twice I am grateful.

   How are you feeling now? Stupid, lonely, aggravated, sick, tired, weak, depressed, hopeless and just plane down. You question your actions, you question the actions of those around you and you question life. You wonder if it is all worth being happy again. You ask yourself if you want to make the effort to become whole again. You ask yourself numerous what if questions that do not have answers. You say, "poor me, poor me". Lastly, you cry A LOT.

   Well, it does not have to be that way! God sent us to this earth with free will. We chose our state of being; whether it is happy, sad, mad or overzealous. I sat up in the Cleveland Clinic three days. I was told by someone because I kept slipping in and out of consciousness, after I was admitted and decided I wanted to get better. I wanted to get off the IV, out of the ER and into the recovery room. I could not do it on my own; that is how I ended up in the ER in the first place. I relied on my own strength for so long that I did not realize that God gives us strength. He gives us the strength we need to survive in this world, to combat stress, to deal with horrible situations and horrible people.

   After eating lots of jello, I avoided all other hospital food, I was admitted into the psych ward. I slept A LOT feeling that sleeping would make the pain of hurting others go away. Eventually, I looked around the psych ward and decided that I was really not that bad off after all and that I would trust in God and prove that I was stable enough for discharge from the ward.

   A year later, I now look back and feel extremely disassociated from that person who took the handful of pills into her mouth. I still feel the pain and feelings of despair and worthlessness creep in; however, I use my free will to make them go away. I say God, I need your strength today, please grant me strength. I admit that sometimes I still rely on my own strength and that sometimes I do become depressed and ponder why me, poor me? However, I accept that there is a level of my emotions that are allowed to feel that way and that these emotions of pain, despair and hopelessness are not my core emotions and do not define me! I allow these emotions to exist; yet, I do not allow them to prevail. I stop and say, I choose to be happy today because I am a great person that has been blessed by God with a magnificent plan.

   So often we do not take the time to look around at all that God has blessed us with. Please, stop and sit in silence and ponder your great accomplishments, great relationships, great whatevers that you have been blessed with. You will find the encouragement to carry on and will to live. Do not hesitate to write these down, post them in your room and look at them every day.

   I will leave you with the following thoughts:
Everything is fixable.
God is greater than any problem I have.
I am not alone.
With God all things are possible. Luke 1:37
God will provide.
Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. I Peter 5:7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. phillippians 4:6-7
My perception of the situation is not always the correct perception – list examples of this happening!
I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength. phillippians 4:13
I am my own person and I am wonderful.

   Please take this all to heart and do not see this as a forceful letter to make you feel better. You need your time and you will feel better when your time is come. Sift through your feelings, allow your emotions to occur, and do not stifle anything to please others. When you come to your realization, believe me, what a great day it will be; that you will look back, as I do, and feel disassociated from that person who wanted to take themselves away from this world and the people in it that need them. I realized that others need me and hopefully you will realize this as well. You have a Godly purpose in this world. Please remember that God loves you and I, as well as others out there, do too.

   One thing that helped me when I was in the psych ward was to make a personal mission statement.
This is what I filled out, however, in order to fill this out you must first look deep inside you and answer the following questions.

1) What are your principles? Principles are guidelines for human conduct that you feel are important. Chose four words that you feel should guide human conduct. For example, empowerment, fairness, growth, integrity, honesty, patience, etc.

2) What do you value? What is most important to you? Choose five words that represent your values. For example, health, money, effort, happiness, security, truth, spiritual fulfillment, travel, accomplishment, etc.

3) Consider the life of someone else. What is it about them that you like? What is it that you admire about them? Choose fourteen words that describe what you admire about others. For example, ambitious, creative, forgiving, fun, moral, loyal, thankful, self-reliant, wise, witty, etc.

4) What habits prevent you from being the great person that you could or want to be? Choose five words. For example, antisocial, procrastinator, dishonest, disorganized, introverted, impulsive, obsessive, pessimistic, prideful, reactive, tedious, unaware, uncharitable, vague, unmotivated, etc.

5) What are your strengths and talents? Choose eight strengths or talents that you feel help you make a contribution to this world. For example, adaptable, articulate, clever, confident, dexterous, generous, grateful, energetic, hard working, imaginative, insightful, intelligent, kind, leader, open minded, reliable, practical, writer, teacher, speaker, spiritual, understanding, visionary, etc.

NOW use these answers to complete the following:


_______________'s Personal Mission Statement
(name)

To find happiness, fulfillment, and value in living I will:

Lead a life centered on the principles of _____________________, __________________, __________________, and _____________________. (fill in with answers from 1)

Remember what is important in life is _______________, ________________, ___________________, and _________________. (fill in with answers from 2)

Revere admirable characteristics in others, such as _________________, __________________, __________________, _________________, __________________, and ____________, and attempt to implement similar characteristics in my own life. (fill in with answers from 3)

Humble myself by acknowledging that I can be ___________________, ____________________, __________________, __________________, and _______________ and by constantly striving to transform my weaknesses into strengths. (fill in with blanks from 4)

Recognize my strengths and develop talents as a person who is ___________________, __________________, __________________, ____________________, ___________________, and ___________________.  (fill in with blanks from 5)

06.22.03, we wish you much luck and we hope others get the help they seek after reading your story.

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