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Darcy M.

updated 09.10.02
darcy fills out one of our forms several times:
03.08.02: I am EXTREMELY suicidal, most of my family knows this. They AT LEAST know I am very depressed. Today is March 7th 2002. I honestly didnt think I would live this long,crap oh well. I turned 19 in Nov, and have been this way since oh say about 16. Its only been in the past months that I have been SERIOUS, and really do want to end it all. When it comes down to it, its not ONE specific problem, there are many. The more I think about it all, the more I dont want to live. Im lazy, PERIOD. Thats the truth, I just dont want to put the effort into living and having a job, and blah blah blah, after awhile everything seems so pointless and meaningless to me. Everything is so boring, dull, and tedious, thats, (tee-dee-iss). Sorry bout that, but uh, ya I am definetly thinking about jumping, I just hope I DIE, I may come upon a more SURE method, cant take any chances, the first time and the last time. Im not going to fail at my own death!!!!

03.08.02: WHOO HOO!!!!Lets hope I have the balls to jump, I really would like to do it before my asshole father returns from Indianna, but I may just wait, cause I babysitt on Saturday night, thats the uh, 9th of March, I'll make a little moola not like it matters. But the hubby of the woman I sit for has some ambien, in his medicine chest, so i will have to grab me a few of those, just in case after I jump in the early morning hours I live, i will be out of it, either unconscience, or in a light coma or something....We'll see....

03.08.02: Wow, I know two people so far. Lets see, from youre hate mail, Linsdsy G from st.pete. Thats Lindsy G******, I went to middle school with her, and I worked with her at Toojays downtown at the Baywalk when it first opened, I learned of her brothers death from a best friend. Linsy kept pretty quiet I must admit. Donna, she lived right across the street from me. I was....9 years old at the time, cause Im 19 now, and that was back in 92. TWO days before her and her boyfriend jumped they were happy and giggling in a swimming pool at an apartment complex in harbor isle of st.pete. My best friend and I were swimming there at the time, then a few days later we heard the news, our entire block was devastated, we all knew and loved her. So pretty and so young. Her family has now moved to further down the street, where they have built this beautiful home, and have an angel gracing there front yard...I drive past it everday and think of donna alot, mainly because I feel the way she did then, NOW. I am always thinking about suicide, it never leaves my mind...

03.13.02: Well, I guess its not a sin, until I commit it. Ive been suicidal for some time now, but only past month have I been really serious about it. I am convinced my death is achievable, and I can do it quite painlessly and hopefully less time consuming. Ive never thought about death as much as I have lately. It consumes me, I dont work or go to school, and laugh as I know deep inside all the assholes that were mean to me, will be sorry, and I feel bad for my niece and nehpew, especially the nehpew, cause he is only 4 and thinks hes going to marry me, forgive me, I am mentally retarded too by the way, I have manic depression so I think that qualifies.... Darcy M., Saint Petersburg, Florida

since darcy used one of our forms, we had no way to contact her. we respond to her here: 
   darcy, as hard as life seems to be now, in truth, it sometimes tends to get harder as we get older. however, the problems you have now are not so bad as to end your life over them. there has to be someone in your life that you can talk with. there are people that can help you get through this hard time you seem to be having. we feel you are reaching out and want help. please seek it. let us help you. 

someone visiting this page offers help:

Subject: Darcy M. 
My name is Dana H. I live in Ventura, CA. 
I've just read your page on Darcy M.. This woman is serious, but she desperately wants to be saved. She is ashamed to reach out for help probably because she believes she's a useless whiner who has already taken up too much of her family and friend's time.
I'd be amazed if "Darcy M." is real name, though I'm sure it's significant to her, such as initials of "D-R-C".
I do a lot of counseling for informal mental health support groups. I am also crazy as a bedbug, which doesn't seem to inhibit my ability to listen with compassion and urge changes.
If Darcy does contact you and doesn't want to speak to any professionals, feel free to offer this e-mail address as another source of help. I attempted suicide when I was at her age.
This offer seems to me like a long, desperate attempt to help. But I feel I have to offer to do what I can do. <Sigh>
Dana H. (thank you, dana. if darcy asks, i will offer her your e-mail address.)

e-mail:
06.21.02: Holy Hell. I cannot beleive you guys! Im blushing! I just hope no one I know reads all that! Um, as far as getting help. Ive seen many counselors...I have an "Okay" one now. He listens better. Its "funny" reading that, because I remember it, but I dont. I did go on to try and end my life on April 21st. With the womans husbands pills I spoke about. Im not going to go into details, other then that, i must have wigged and called my mommy, cause I dont remember it all. But she said the site was awfully gory and gruesome. I had my tummy pumped, and was baker acted. Other then THAT. I was up at the bridge the other day.... Im sorry. im not mocking your site, nor am I saying I amjust messing around. I do have a doctor though, and I have tryed to go to therapy and so forth. Nothing really works for me. Meds, doctors whatever, its all nothing to me. Im currently UNMEDICATED. Which is bad if youre bi-polar, but it seems that the drug side effects are WORSE then the the DISEASE. My doctor does know I am suicidal, and so does my family. Everyone is just at their wits end with me, it seems. When I said I was at the bridge, I was at the end of the big one, like where you can go and sit down and look at the bridge. I do that often when i am sad or down. But just DRIVING over it my breathing is labored, and my hands clammy, and sweaty. I look over the edge from my car, and freak out. i know damn well I would never jump, i just drive over it when I feel down. i don tknow why. I guess to let myself know, in the far back of my mind, that I can always do that if I please. At the moment, im stable. I dont have a job, nor do I attend school. I dont WANT to feel like THIS, when I do all of those things. i want to have a focused and clear mind.Others tell me I am waisting my time, but nah, I have my whole life. I dont want to spend though working or going to shcool AND struggling with this "Mental Illness". Of course I DONT WANT TO DIE. But sometimes, its the only way "out" I see. You can trace this all you want, I dont know what the authorities could do. i mean, i am seeking help, and at the moment have no specific plans. I just DONT want YOU guys to worry. IF I am thinking or toying with the idea, I have a doctor, a phyciatris to call. Or I can admitt myself at Mortan Plant. So thanks though for youre concern. kind of odd coming from a "Jumpers Pool".

darcy,
i am glad you contacted us. i was worried for many days after you sent your first message to us. i posted what you sent and we did try to get some help for you. i am also glad you are trying to work through your problems. trying is a good thing.
it scares me to read that you actually tried to end your life. i hope that never happens again. i know that the whole doctor thing is a drag and that you'd rather not deal with that shit. i doubt i would take any meds that would make me feel worse then not taking them. i'm sure it's hard being around the family too. is there anyone in another state where you could go hide out awhile and maybe escape the crap you have to deal with here? try not listening to others that tell you that you are wasting your time. they don't know shit and would be better off minding their own business. i am sorry i was trying to track you down, but i was really worried about you. please write again if you want. i tried to send e-mail to you, but it was returned. i guess the address you used was made up. i promise to not try and track you down again as, in the end, no one but you can stop you from taking your own life if you really want to do that. i think that you won't do that again. just because we run a jumperpool, it doesn't mean we want people to end it all. phil


e-mail:
07.08.02: Well, I wont be surprised if you dont get this. My computors Microsoft outlook is acting odd. I went to my doctors office today. He put me on 400mg of Tegretol, its an anti-convulsant. I hope it works. I took my dose already today and got the worse headache ever! Im just so over drugs, and doctors and everything. Im 19 years old, and find it hard to have a job or go to school. There is no money. I have no support, and insurance is a constant battle for me. SOme days I have it, others Im kicked off of it. I tryed to file for disability and my doctor laughed. Im too young he says. I can be cured, it just may take time. Well great, thats awesome, but HOW MUCH TIME? 2?8?20 YEARS? This is soo unfair. Im tired of being the damn guinea pig. My life has passed me gone. I will never be the person I used to be. Im just soo depressed, and drawn out. I cant go on like this. My life isnt living. It seems as if I am speaking a different language when I talk anyways. I know people do care about me. But phyciatry is such a guessing game, and I dont know how much longer I can stick around to "guess". I would greatly appreciate if you would kindly remove my link. Im sure no one cares to read that shit.

darcy,
once again i am glad you wrote me. it hurts to read what you are going through. i doubt i could put up with all that shit. as you requested, i removed the link to this page, but want to keep the page up, as it is important to me. i have several 'secret' pages throughout this site, just because. as much as you feel your life has "passed you gone", i can tell you i have all but forgot what i was doing at your age. sure, you will always remember these bad times, but i am sure that you will one day walk away from all this shit and be a better person for it. time heals things, you must believe that. i am healing as well. i wish you well. i tried again to reply to your e-mail, but it was returned. i hope you see this. if you ever want to talk, please call me.
phil

darcy sends this from the q+a page:
09.04.02 10:01pm: How many survivors are there? Are they all vegetables? I cant think of anything shittier then, trying to take your own life because your a loser, and FAILING at it. I, myself have had many botched attempts. Just last week, I swallowed, about 53 250 mg depakote, thats about 13,000 mg's. I took some Dramamine to hold them down, and slept for day. Thats it. Oh ya, and went to the ER, the following day with violent stomach cramps. I was diagnosed with a "stomach flu". GOD DAMN IT! That drug book, told me to look forward to convulsions, coma and death!!! Fuckers! Oh well, my next attempt, will be to drive my car traveling at 90 mph, into a cement wall....At least it'll look accidental... (she includes an e-mail address and i reply simply with my phone number and a request for her to call me. i have reached out to her many times and apparently, it seems she is either not wanting me to help her, messing with me, or she really just wants death. why does she contact me like this? if she doesn't call, i feel i have tried to help her to my best ability. i wish darcy well.)

she sends more from the jumperpool guess form:
09.04.02 10:25pm: Was looking for facts about suicides, relating to the skyway. I think youre site is awesome, and it pokes fun, about how stupid life can become. I mean people are soo uptight and too serious. If someone wants to die, and wants to make a mockery of themselves, that is their own deal. Let em do it. I think that they should have some sort of business going on, where you could buy tickets to watch. Thats only if the distressed person is kind enough to wait, and give us a correct date and time. That way we could all be there. To hoot and holler, and cheer them on!

she sends more from the q+a page:

09.04.02 10:30pm: Id like to know what happens, if someone is "saved"? Are they just taken away to be "Baker Acted" for 72 hrs, and then released? Or are they kept longer to for more observation and pills they can shove down the persons throat!?!? Because, Im bi-polar, and I have no support, and Ive been baker acted, for trying to kill myself, they kept me for three days, put me on Lithium, and let me go! Ahh, dont you love it? There really isnt much help for people who are in distress. 1 out of every 5 people with manic depression will go on to kill themselves, sometime during their lifetime. Almost a third of all suicides, are connected to some sort of mental disorder, top ones being depression, and manic depression....

09.10.02: i receive a call from darcy and we talked a long time. she seemed happy, perky, and smart. i told her to call me anytime she needs someone to talk to, no matter what time. i know she wants help.

*disclaimer: all comments contained on this page are unsolicited and are submitted by darcy without edits. (any and all responses to said comments are ours.)

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