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Heather

updated 06.10.01
a dialog with an attempted suicide jumper about depression, suicide, this site, and how the jumperpool may help more than hurt. Heather attempted suicide off niagra falls.
06.07.01 - we receive a comment from the jumperpool form
I myself am a rescued jumper from Niagara Falls.  That's "the place" here in Canada.  I have all sorts of info and photos on it if you are interested. Heather.
06.07.01
hello Heather!
just wanted to thank you for visiting our skyway bridge jumper site and we appreciate you sharing the information you sent us. we are in no way encouraging anyone to jump from any bridge or risk taking their own life in any way, as you can read on our site. we do, however, very much encourage help for those in need and hope anyone considering such a plan to seek the help needed to get through the difficult times so many of us can get caught up in.  if you do not mind, i was wondering if you would want to further discuss your jump. i understand it is a very emotional topic to reflect on, but if you would like to, i'm interested in your age, how long ago it was, what injuries you may have suffered from the fall, and perhaps, the reason why. i hope you are doing very well now & have put those feelings into the past.
thank you very much.
06.10.01 - Heather replies:
Hi there!
Thanks for the reply, and I really, really appreciate your interest!
To start with, I am "manic depressive" or "bi-polar", the more common term they use these days.  If you know about the illness - extreme ups and downs, impulsiveness, and sometimes bad judgment - you would understand that looking back on my "ordeal", is actually exhilarating and fun for me!  So there is no need to feel like you need to be sensitive in anything you ask! 
LOL!  I was actually wanting to do a website on my experience, from being at the railing - to my rescue - to my "vacation" in the mental ward - to my recent trips back to consider ending it all over again.  Communicating with you is the closest I have come to this so far.
Even when I am not suicidal which I am NOT right now, I am always in fascination with "what might have happened", and the topic of suicide in general, having been there myself.  Your site has truly amazed me, and has even made me want to visit the bridge out of curiosity - don't worry, as I tell everyone, if I was "going to do it", it would only be at Niagara Falls - plus I am terrified of heights!  One thing you can mention to all of the people who write in to complain, is that from a person who has made attempts in the past and who does think of suicide from time to time, I find the site somewhat therapeutic, and if anything, an encouragement NOT to commit suicide, as the sadness and empathy I feel for those you report who were successful, makes me realize that life is a terrible thing to waste.
To start with, I am a 26 year old female, live just outside of Toronto, Canada, and have a high paying job that I can be extremely successful in when I am not depressed.  I am single, and lead a very fast paced life when things are going well for me.  But on the other hand, I get extreme depressions that make me bed ridden for months at a time, and unable to deal with people or my career.  I have learned to accept this, and realize that this is just a part of my high drama lifestyle.
Last August, I was in the height of the worst depression I ever had. 
Because of my inability to control this debilitating emotion, I lost the opportunity to work at Canada's most prestigious firm for my profession - a dream I had since I was 12 years old, and rebelled by quitting my present job.  I was in financial ruin and about to lose my condo and car, my married lover was rejecting me, I gained 30 pounds and felt so unattractive, had a bad gambling problem and lost what was left of my savings, had no access to help for my depression, and I was terrified about the disappointment my parents would feel knowing how I messed up my "perfect life".  Then one day, an unusual occurrence at the time, I woke up very early in the morning at dawn, and didn't feel so tired.  I actually had a "different" feeling - an emotional calm where a realization came over me that I should not be so sad, as I "had" a very privileged life and should be grateful.  Then I felt that I would have truly had "the perfect life", with no flaws, if I ended it now.  I wanted to be remembered as a high achiever who lived the high life, rather than a failure who lost everything and had to work a minimum wage job and live in a crappy apartment in a city I hated.
Niagara Falls is undoubtedly the most beautiful place in the world - or at least by what my eyes have seen.  For certainly, it is the place that would most resemble what we envision heaven to be.  The crystal clear waters, rising mist that emanates puffy clouds, powerful but gentle sounds, rainbows, and doves can hypnotize anyone who views it. It is a romantic symbol of both the celebration of life and love, and can easily be seen as the perfect place for death, by committing yourself to the waters, and your spirit and memory becoming part of one of the grandest spectacles on earth. I wanted to die with dignity, so this is why I chose this location - out of respect I had for the life I lived.
That hot August afternoon, walking alongside the lower river to Tablerock, the place where the upper rapids become the beautiful Horseshoe Falls, I can recall thinking back on my life, and what lied ahead for me - either a deep sleep of nothingness, reincarnation into another life, or purgatory.  I never feared going to hell, as I believed that Jesus forgave all of our sins, even suicide.  The crowd was dense but the voices were faded out by my thoughts, and the mist provided relief from the hot sun.  That 20 minute walk from my car was the most spiritual moment in my life.  As I came to the spot, I was disappointed about the crowds that hovered around what at that moment, was supposed to be only my special place.  I shuffled through the tourists, and came to the rail and gazed at the waters edge as it dropped to eternity.  I was trying to gauge how I would fall, and how far I would have to jump outwards.  I did not feel fear, but frustration, that my death would be made a circus, or that someone would wrestle me to stop from jumping.  I decided to have my own "last supper".
As I was eating my food with red wine at the nearby patio restaurant, my cell phone rang, and it was my lover.  I was speaking very slurred as the alcohol effect was heightened by my anti-depressant medication, that I had now started popping to further relax me.  He was very curious and concerned about the background sound of the falls, and demanded to know where I was. 
I started to cry as he gave me no comfort or assurance, and at that point I told him where I was and that I was going to jump when the crowds cleared. 
I got up and started to stagger towards the railing again, as I now wanted to do it with him on the line. He hung up and the phone rang again - this time it was the police, and I hung up.
At that moment I started to panic and my heart was pounding.  It was not supposed to happen like this.  I was going to come back when no one was around and be at total peace with myself when I jumped.  Now I was afraid and confused and wanted to hide.  I pushed through the crowd and went back to the railing, but had to sit down as I was going to pass out.  I now wanted to get to the spot where I would jump as I was very tired and drugged.  All of a sudden, I saw the police cars coming in my direction with the lights on.  It all happened so very fast from then on.
I noticed that the people around me knew something was up, as they were all staring.  I then decided I was going to do it then so I started to head toward the spot at the top of the falls.  The phone rang again, and hoping it was my lover, I answered.  It was the police again.  I told them I was frightened, and to leave me alone, that I would go home.  I pushed through the crowd, and now had my foot on the rail, trying to look like I was going to take a picture so people wouldn't be suspicious when I jumped.  Lots of people do stand in this manner for a better view.  I was crammed in between a bunch of tourists speaking a foreign language, and started to lean over. 
Then suddenly, the hum of the voiced stopped, and people were moving away from me, and I felt a hand firmly grab the top of my arm.  I turned around and two police officers said they wanted to talk to me, in a very caring voice.  They pulled me back to the sidewalk, and with both holding my hands, took me to the police car.  I remember that my head was hung down low, and I felt sick from the pills.  The one officer left, and the other drove me to the hospital, letting me sit in the front seat.
Gee...I didn't mean to write a novel here!  LOL!  But I hope that this info was helpful to you, and if you can use any of it on your site, feel free to do so!
If you have any other questions, do not hesitate to contact me again!  I can definitely let you know what happens to people who try to commit suicide and fail from my own personal experience!
Best wishes..on your site!
Heather

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