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Kayla

attempted suicide
updated 11.28.02
trouble with guys.
11.27.02 - we receive an e-mail from kayla.
   Kayla, Thornton, Colorado, USA., It all started in my Freshman year in highschool It was all going so well i had a great boyfriend so i thought. Things just started to go down hill one day. I can still remember it all like yesterday. It was the day after Valentines, and he broke up with me cuzz i didnt "get along with his friends" I was so devistated. I didnt know what to do. So i tried to kill myself. I cut my wrists many times after that. I would get upset about stupid things. If a guy mad me mad i would try to kill myself and if a guy said something to me i didnt like i would try it. I dated a few other guys after him and everytime they broke up with me i went through the same thing. I finally found a guy that meant the world to me and on Aug 21 2001 we started to date, it was wonderful. We dated for almost a year and we were engaged to be married also. About 3 months before it was a year i found out that the whole time we were dateing he was cheating on me, and it was with 6 other girls. I was so hurt and i didnt wanna lose him i called him and confronted him about it and he hung up on me. Later that night we got into a HUGE fight and he said soemthing to me and i tried it once again, but this time it almost worked. I had overdosed and i was so close to dieing, my mom and step father took me to the emergency room and i was told to drink charcol to get it all out of me. Then i was put into a mental hospital for a week. I hated my mom and dad for putting me in there i didnt wanna be there i just wanted to go home. I didnt learn much there cuzz the day i came home i tried to kill myself again. I called that boy when i was in there and told him i was goin home the next day and he told me " I dont care". I didnt know what to do. Finally i realized that no matter what any one says or does to me i shoudlnt ever try to take my life. I went through it till the end of my sophmore year. Sometimes i still think about what it would be like if i wasnt here but i dont think i'll ever try it again. I realized that day that i actually had people that cared about me and i never believed that any one did before. So to any one who has ever thought about it or ever tried it...You have to understand that NO ONE and NOTHING is worth your LIFE. Any questions or just wanna chat email me ok.
Always and Forever, Kayla

11.28.02
hello kayla,
   i went to your website and see you are only 15 years old. how can you have such great expectations of others your age, when you are all still growing and maturing? it takes guys longer to mature and some claim guys never do, but we won't get into that here, as females can have their own fair share of head problems too. trust me on this.
   it would be a rare find indeed to land a guy with any hopes of it lasting, if he knows you will wig out and try and kill yourself if there may be a break up or a simple argument. people tend to distance themselves from problems like that. are you controlling? do you question these guys endlessly if they are late or have been somewhere without you? lack of trust is one way to scare off anyone. you claim you try to kill yourself simply because a guy makes you mad or says something you don't like. speaking as a guy, i would be out of your life in short order with behavior like that. no one wants that hassle in their life. no one wants to feel responsible if you actually off yourself over something they did. 
   at your age, how can a guy "mean the world" to you? you were even engaged. is it that important to tie yourself down before you are even an adult? you should have adult thinking capabilities before you make life changing decisions that can ruin your life.
   i see you have a step father, so i wonder if this need to have a guy so badly is somehow tied to, i don't know, maybe the rejection of your real father. i am no psychiatrist, and for that i am thankful, but perhaps you are trying to replace him with some other guy. if that is the case, you are putting the guy in a situation he can not live up to. it will most likely fail every time. my wife was mentally, and perhaps physically, messed up by her father. she has slept with many dozens of guys throughout her life, one after another, and most likely always will. he messed her up in ways she will never admit or even remember. she has never been able to see past what he did. can you? is your father the reason you are like you are? like i said, i am no psychiatrist, but things happen for reasons. 
   the actions you make cause reactions. your attempts on your life leave those that really love you no option but to try and help you and stop you from hurting yourself. they put you in the mental hospital because of your actions. they had no choice, as i am sure there are laws where you live that once you try to harm yourself, something must be done. as i said before, most guys will run away from you if you demonstrate tendencies to melt down at every problem that develops in your relationship. imagine a guy doing that to you? how long would you put up with his suicide threats and attempts every time you had a disagreement? i bet not very long. no one wants the hassle, especially at such a young age.
   i am glad you realize that what others say or do is no reason to take your own life. people do care about you and you should too. life is worth living.
   have a great thanksgiving and remember, most of your life will be as an adult. enjoy your young life now, as once youth is gone, you will want it back forever after. 
phil

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